I Want My Mommy!!!!!

Today was a momentous day... my love seat is gone.  Really gone.  As, in the garbage. And... I cried when it left... well, actually, I waited until Joe went to work, and then I cried... but I did get all choked up when I saw it driving away in the back of the garbage truck....

About 20 years ago, my girlfriend and I found this love seat, and I loved it and bought it for my house.  When I separated from my husband, it was what I took with me to use as a sofa in my little apartment.  Now as you can imagine... a 20 year old love seat was not in the best of shape after a life of kids and cats and dogs along with myriad kinds of food spills and probably some wine as well!  But, it was mine now.  With a few throws on it, and a couple of pillows, it looked fabulous!

And so here I am, 275 miles away from where I have lived for most of my life.  I have given up my nine to five job, the closeness of friends and family, no dresser, no sofa... no apartment... and it's hard.  I am dependent on Joe for everything. 

I am feeling vulnerable right now.  I left a message for a girlfriend the other day and started crying.  She is not down the street and I can't drive over for a hug, or a long talk and a glass of wine or a cup of tea...  I am feeling a little lonely.  Even with facebook, emailing and cell phones.  There is a sense of loss that pervades my day...  I am missing the day to day interaction with Alyssa, my granddaughter.  School started and I wasn't there to ask how was the first day?  Did she like the new kid in class?  How is it being a 5th grader?  I can't drop over and sit for a chat with my daughter. 

The weird thing, is that most of these people I didn't see every single day anyway.  You know, your friends you might not see for a week or more, or your family, the same.  But, you could see them if you wanted to.  You could drive over for an hour visit.  I can't do that anymore.   

I unpacked a coffee cup that my mom gave me for my 40th birthday.  It is my favorite cup.  And I started crying.  I miss my mom.  She has been dead for 8 years... but I wish I could call her up and talk to her.  I just want to share what is happening in my life.  I know exactly what she would have said to me... she was always so down to earth-- "you'll be fine Lee, you'll make friends there, and you will be coming back to visit all of us back here.  You have a wonderful man now, focus on that." 

And I will... focus on all that I have ahead of me.  Certainly I am ecstatically happy to be living with Joe.  I am loving creating a home with him that we feel comfortable in.  I am excited about working my business here in this huge metropolis with so many possibilities.  I know that my family and friends are but a phone call away.  I know that I will be back to visit every month or so.  In the meantime, I needed this cartharsis.  I needed to express my loneliness... my feelings of vulnerability.

I will be back home for a visit in a week and a half.  I need a lot of hugs when I am back.  I need the sense of physical closeness that a hug gives.  I need my family.  I need my girlfriends. 

It's time to go unpack another box... and look to the future...